For those that don't know me, I'm Lithium Doll, or LD. I've gone by many names in the past, but at present, and hopefully for a long future to come, I will still be LD.
I wasn't always a submissive. I've never lived my life as a Dominant or a submissive. Back in 1997, I started out as a regular type of chatter like most of us have. But as the years passed, my love of learning and curiosity grew. I dove into the world of BDSM. I felt strong back then. I felt that I could be anything I wanted to be. And I thought, I felt at the time, I needed to "be with someone". I felt that void in my life start to twirl and create. Again I learned as much as I could about being a Domme, or a Mistress. It was exciting. I felt even more powerful than I ever could imagine. I played with people from all over the globe. Most were just casual sex, some, when in the mood, were BDSM scenes. And I still learned something new every day.
I had both men and women in my collar at various stages of my chatting life. Some I had really strong feelings for, some were more of a fling or a "just because". As well as friends in the BDSM community. Some of them as well have gone and left, some disappearing or dead.
Again I still had a lot to learn. Fast forward to make a long story short, after another handful of failed online relationships and heartaches, I changed my path to that of a submissive. It was were I felt I needed to be. To fill another aching void in my life I didn't particularly know was there.
While being open with myself to others, I met a Man. We played a few times but never really talked about personal things. Until one day He disappeared. I didn't know where He had gone until He showed up again almost a year later. We talked on yahoo, talked about everything. What excited us, our dreams, and our personal lives. And we grew into something that both excited me and scared the hell out of me all at once. There was a lot of trial and errors in our relationship as Master and submissive, as any relationship goes thru. He guided me and taught me and was as patient as He could be with me.
And while He professed His love for me, I was still seeing other people. I don't know why I didn't stop seeing them, to be honest. Maybe it was because they gave me something He didn't yet, or didn't know how. Maybe it was because i was addicted to the attention. Or the pretty words on a screen. I should have stopped and realized sooner that I had something really great with Him. Something that could have lasted to eternity. But knowing myself as I do, I messed everything up. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I hurt the only Man I ever truly loved. How does that tie into anything BDSM, you ask? It ties into it all because that was the life I had with Him. Granted most of it was online, those feelings were real. They still are real.
He never left me. He stayed by my side, day after day thru His hurt and His pain. When anyone else would have left me for forgotten and gone, He stayed there. After that... after everything I put this Man thru, He never left. I went from precious babygirl, to sitting on her Daddy's lap and getting things my way, to starting at the bottom (to me) a slave to her Master, her Sir. A bottom slave where I've never been before. I tried so hard to be what He wanted me to be. I pushed myself to do the things a "babygirl" normally wouldn't have done, just to please Him. I didn't want Him to leave me either, call it selfishness, but I was in love with Him.
It wasn't working. I did everything He asked of me, but His hurt and His anger were still there. He said that I wasn't a slave. It's not in me to be a slave. Maybe He was right. But I still have to learn, still always so much to learn when ones heart and soul yearn for something that just feels is right out of grasps reach. You want to know about emotions in BDSM? There are tons.
With failing, with hurting Someone so deeply, with having a remorse so deep, I have learned compassion. I have learned respect. I have learned humility. I have learned honesty. I have learned loyalty. I have learned devotion. And I have learned to love as deep as the ocean itself. He is my world. One day I know there will no longer be a Him and I. But in order for me to have learned, I had to make mistakes. Mistakes that put me into my own personal hell. Mistakes that, in any other lifetime i would have brushed off and moved on and laughed at the claims that i was a monster. Some would say what I did DID make me a monster. Made me a bad person. But I'm really not. I am just a human that made mistakes. And in order for those mistakes to be forgiven, I will keep learning, keep devoting myself, keep trying to make up for every bad thing I've done for 100 lifetimes.
I have been called "unlovable" and "unteachable". I guess I still had something to prove to myself.
I am human, just like everyone else. But in that knowledge, we, as individuals, look and find or search for only what we, ourselves, know what's in our own hearts.
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